Tests for Parents:

What follows is a question-and-answer “game” I have done countless times with my students. During the time I spend with children while they are playing—and therefore distracted, so they don’t think about their answers—I ask them questions about me: if they liked the way I spoke to them, if they were having fun, or how it made them feel if I hurt their feelings. When I got their answers I could tell they were being honest, and they weren’t afraid I was going to punish them for their answers. It seemed to be because they were distracted. This leads me to believe it would be a great time for you to talk to your child while you are in their play time. Below is a list of questions you can ask your child about how you are “doing as a parent.” If this is done correctly, I believe they will tell you almost anything you want to know about them or you. Remember, when they tell you, you must not get upset at anything they say. This is a time for listening and/or explaining and not a time for you to get your feelings hurt.

These questions should only be asked when your child can be distracted by what they are doing, for example, playing with blocks, coloring and/or play time with you. Your tone and facial expressions should be neutral, as if you are asking them a regular question. You should never show any expression except a smile. Say, “Thank you for using your words,” then ask questions about their answers.

1. “Do you like it when Mommy/Daddy uses a loud voice when we talk to you? Yes or no?”

2. “Do you know why I used a loud voice?” (I want you to hear them tell you why and/or to see if they will actually tell you.)  Sometimes they do know and will say, “Because I was bad” or will answer in a question, “It was too high?” or “Don’t do it again?” You know they don’t know or are guessing because they ask a question back to your question. But most of the time they will say, “No.”

3. “How does it make you feel when I do … or did…?”

4. Now the next questions can be “Do you know what the word bad means? Yes or No?” or “Do you know what the word punishment means?” or “Do you know what…means?”

5. When possible always ask Yes or No after a question.  Then when they answer, you can ask, “Do you know why?”

Start learning to ask questions kindly: put a smile on your face while doing this. You’re doing this to get a better understanding of your child and to see for yourself how your child thinks. You’re also learning how much of the big picture they don’t understand. This whole process is based on seeing for yourself, through your own engagement, what your child understands and what he doesn’t. That is how I did it, and it will be the only way for you to see and learn the same things.

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